


i hate you, i love you

by leafykeith



Series: Tae Kyung has entered the chatroom. [5]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad Ending, Happy Ending?, M/M, angst though, idk - Freeform, inspired by a song, not canon, not really lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 13:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11875266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leafykeith/pseuds/leafykeith
Summary: How is it you'll never noticeThat you are slowly killing meorzen and tae kyung were just never meant to be.





	i hate you, i love you

**Author's Note:**

> this is a non canon bad ending  
> we all need them  
> not canon to the main fic either, so this is just a sad thing i got inspired to write bc i wanted to write angst (despite never having written angst before this)

They had tried to make it work,  _ God,  _ they had tried. It had just been… difficult. 

It just hadn’t meant to be. Zen had really wanted it to work, and he knew Tae had wanted it to work. They had made it work for a few months, maybe longer, but time was such a weird way of measuring their relationship. Zen measured it in kisses, in nights spent on the roof, in texts and calls, in lingering touches, in quiet whispers, in confided secrets.

It just  _ wasn’t the right time, wasn’t the place, just wasn’t right. _ That’s what they told each other in hushed voices and Zen had tried so hard not to open the door after Tae had walked out. He could hear Tae on the other side calling someone, breathing unevenly and his whispers were shaky, and it took all the strength he had to not follow him, to tell him  _ they were wrong please don’t leave we can make it work i promise we can make it work just don’t leave. _

Instead, he let his head hit the door and shut his eyes as he heard Tae’s footsteps fade.

 

They hadn’t talked in awhile, seen each other in awhile. Zen had gotten a new role and had walked into the cafe he hadn’t gone to in a long time, because it reminded him too much of what had happened in the past. He finally felt like he had moved on.

He was wrong, very wrong. Extremely wrong.

Tae ( _ Kyung, he was Tae Kyung he wasn’t Tae anymore he wasn’t that person to Zen anymore, right? he sure hoped not) _ was there, leaning on the counter, laughing at something the cashier said. It felt… awful. He hadn’t thought about Tae  _ Kyung _ in such a long time ( _ ha who was he trying to convince?)  _ and he definitely didn’t  _ feel _ his heart skip a beat. He looked  _ good _ and it wasn’t fair for him to look  _ that  _ good and laugh  _ that _ much.  _ God, he felt pathetic. _

He approached the counter, pretending not to see that three feet away was someone he had  _ fallen in fucking love with _ . He gave his order as cheery as he could, a smile thrown in there. In his peripheral vision he could see Tae Kyung look over, probably recognizing his voice. He ignored it as best as he could, but he felt his neck heat up and he knew he was probably blushing.

Tae Kyung came up to him, a smile on his face and when he hugged Zen, he could smell the shampoo he could still notice in his apartment, like Tae Kyung was still haunting him. He paid for Zen’s drink, and when they were seated, it felt like nothing had ever happened, like they had never broken up, like they had never dated. Tae Kyung hadn’t really changed since the last time he had seen him, and when he threw his head back with laughter, Zen swore he fell in love all over again, the freckles dancing across his cheeks.

 

It wasn’t difficult to get back into the hang of being around Tae Kyung, wasn’t even uncomfortable. He still kept his distance, but it was hard to keep himself from just… kissing him. Especially when Tae Kyung wanted to show him a video on his phone, leaning against him and tickling his face with his hair, and then looking up at him with that hopeful smile on his face.

The rest of the RFA were cautious, and Jaehee kept her lips zipped, but she sent Zen pitying looks, never explaining what they meant. Jumin wasn’t really around them that much, but he occupied Tae Kyung’s time more than he used to. Tae Kyung explained that after they broke up, he hadn’t known where to go, and Mina was out of the state. Jumin had called by complete coincidence and Tae Kyung had ended up at his penthouse, hiding away from the rest of the world. Seven and Yoosung mostly kept their distance from them, feeling uncomfortable when they were in a group, but fine when it was just Zen or just Tae Kyung.

Zen was honestly happy with the way things were, he was. He could tell that if things kept going the way they were, then the RFA would be back to the way it was before.

 

And then it was too late to go back to any type of normal.

Tae Kyung was over at his house, slightly tipsy and giggling as he settled down on Zen’s couch.

“Zen, come join me~” Zen was… considerably more drunk than Tae Kyung. He had just kept drinking and drinking, taking nervous sips whenever he had any strange thoughts of Tae Kyung, so he had gone through quite a lot of beers, and then  _ far  _ more shots when Tae Kyung remembered the vodka he had brought.

It had just been hanging out for some time, but soon Zen found himself drawn real close to Tae Kyung. He looked up at Zen from under his long lashes and Zen smiled at the subtle makeup he had on.

_ “Hyun,”  _ and then he leaned in all the way.

 

And it went on like that for a few months. They would tumble into Zen’s apartment and it would be great until they woke up hungover and regretting everything. Tae Kyung never stayed for breakfast, but by the time lunch came around, everything was back to normal and they didn’t talk about it, but they still just… clicked. It just felt right around Tae Kyung.

 

But it didn’t last, they just weren’t meant to be. Things got complicated and Tae Kyung didn’t like the way that Zen cared so much about what his fans thought and Zen hated how much time Tae Kyung spent with Jumin.  _ Just the wrong time, wrong place, wrong person.  _

It didn’t affect their friendship that much this time around, mostly because it didn’t get that serious this time around, didn’t seem like they would actually work out this time around. They knew it was just a matter of time.

It still hurt like nothing else. Staying friends like this, it killed him.

Because he missed him. He missed Tae Kyung like no one before. He just wanted to bring them back, bring back the lazy smiles and soft kisses in the morning and the tipsy giggles and the dumb conversations on the roof. He couldn’t even tell Tae Kyung any of this. He wanted to tell him how much he needed him, how much he wanted him, how much he loved him.

But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t even think about it.

He missed him all the time, even when they were together, just having dinner or after shows. He missed the way that Tae Kyung used to congratulate him, with roses in his hands and a smile on his lips and a night to celebrate him.

_ Did he even miss him the way that Zen missed him? _

He knew it had been a bad idea to continue whatever they had, but simply having him around was enough, enough to keep him going.

Sometimes, he could have sworn that Tae Kyung still loved him, still wanted him, because he had this soft look in his eyes when Zen was sitting in front of him, telling him about the roles he had at the time, but he never said anything, just sipped from his drink and nodded when it was an appropriate time to.

Zen knew that he should just put distance between them, find time to move on before spending so much time around him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to tell him.

He couldn’t bring himself to move on, to put himself first. There was no one who could replace Tae Kyung. Zen knew that if he tried enough, he would find someone else, but he didn’t want someone else, no one could ever compare to Tae Kyung.

 

And then, it was too late. Again.

They had started hanging out in a group more often, it made things easier for the both of them. Really, it did. Even if it meant seeing how happy Tae Kyung got when Jumin arrived. Jaehee still gave Zen some pity smiles, which he was starting to understand more, now that he could see how Tae Kyung watched Jumin, how Jumin watched him in return. There was always flirting when it came to Tae Kyung, always. That was just who he was, but it always looked different when Tae Kyung was serious about someone. Zen had always laughed when Yoosung turned bright red, because he had his arm wrapped around Tae Kyung’s shoulder, or he fit his fingers between Tae Kyung’s as Seven and Tae Kyung joked about a wedding on the Moon. It was different now, because Zen had his arms on the table, his hands around his drink, and Tae Kyung was leaning forward too much and Jumin had a sly smile on his face, a glass of wine in hand. Tae Kyung placed his hand over Jumin’s and tilted the glass towards him, drinking without breaking eye contact with Jumin. Jumin raised his eyebrow and Tae Kyung just licked his lips, removing his hand, but the touch was lingering and he knew it.

Zen watched it all, and went to the bar for shots. He would need them if this was actually happening.

He heard someone sit in the stool next to him and he didn’t need to turn to know who it was.

“How long has that been going on?” 

“Tae Kyung went to Mr. Han’s penthouse after you broke up. After that, they just stayed friends. He… They both care about each other. I can tell.” Zen sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Zen.”

“No, it’s fine, Jaehee, it’s fine.” She took half of the shots that he had ordered away from him.

“You aren’t fine. I know that… I know that you still care deeply about Tae Kyung, but he really is happy now. Mr. Han really helped him out a lot when none of us even understood what was happening between you two. They never… They were never together when you two were. It was just friendly, but Tae Kyung was extremely confused by everything. He confided in me quite a bit, and while I agree that it spells out trouble for the RFA, he’s finally moved on. I know that it must be difficult for you. I would like you to know that Tae Kyung won’t do anything, or start any type of relationship with Mr. Han unless you are completely okay with it.” He downed two shots.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it.” Jaehee looked uncomfortable.

“Then nothing will ever happen. Tae Kyung still cares about you, but we can see that it wouldn’t work out the way things are going. We all want you to be happy, Zen.” And she slid out of the seat, going back to the table. Zen took another shot and stared at the glass.

She was right, of course. They had both made their decisions, their paths, and they just… weren’t meant to be. It wasn’t an excuse anymore, not just something that he told himself to convince himself that he wasn’t miserable.

 

The next time he saw Tae Kyung was at the cafe, the place where they had met, time after time.

“We need to talk.”

And so, they talked.

Tae Kyung cried and Zen tried his best to not show that he was crying as well, but they finally told each other what they had needed to say. Nothing was too harsh, and it finally dawned onto Zen that really, it wouldn’t have worked out. They weren’t fitting together like a puzzle the way he had imagined, and Tae Kyung sobbed out that he was sorry that he couldn’t be the person for Zen.

It was just some fairy tale that Zen had planned out where everyone was perfect and their relationship had no flaws, and now he could finally see how little they worked on their relationship, and had just expected it to work without talking about their issues.

 

Jumin was his next stop.

They also talked. Well, Zen talked. Zen went on and on.

Jumin sat in silence, letting Zen explode in his office.

When he was done, Jumin explained his feelings, explained how everything had happened. Explained and answered all of Zen’s questions, leaving Zen unsatisfied by how great Jumin and Tae Kyung could be.

Tae Kyung actually showed up just as Zen was leaving, and Zen looked at them both, noticing the picnic basket that Tae Kyung held. He shut his eyes and forced him to speak.

“I think you two should give yourselves a chance. Seriously, you… you would be happy.” And he walked out.

 

He avoided them for a year, but still heard from the few chatrooms he participated in that they were still going strong, even jokes about marriage were occurring between Tae Kyung and Seven.

_ (And after a few more years, he actually received a wedding invitation that he attended and he knew that he had made the right decision, but he didn’t take anyone with him and spent most of the time watching Tae Kyung.) _

 

_ (04:32) I was wrong, Jaehee. I know I told them that they should date, but I was wrong _

_ (04:34) I got myself three bottles of vodka and I’m going to drink memories of him away and hopefully I’ll throw them up _

 

_ (09:30) Zen, you made the right decision. You’ll be okay someday, but rest assured, you made the right decision. _

 

_ (10:03) I hope Jumin appreciates what he has. _

_ (10:04) I’m still in love with him. _

_ (10:06) And that will never change. _

**Author's Note:**

> when i finished, i realized how sad i made myself,,, but uhhh i hope u guys liked it anyway bc we all love suffering  
> :-) pls dont hate me i felt angsty
> 
> also mostly unedited so pls point shit out thx


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